As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.
This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.
I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.
A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.
Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.
Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.
This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.
